Grace on Demand

I used to think grace was something I could summon at will. I’ve come to believe that rising to the occasion with grace may have more to do with practicing it when it’s not needed, than calling on it when it is. If I am stressed, worried, upset or overwhelmed, my ability to respond with grace to a difficult situation is embarrassingly low.

I may contain myself (admirably at times) but like water poured into a leaky vase, when I am on overload, something seeps out, seeking the lowest level in the situation. Whether in body language or an edge to my voice or worse, it is easy for someone to push my buttons and get a reaction.

Practice When You Don’t Need It

I’d like to say I discovered the secret to managing difficult encounters, but the truth is I discovered the secret to managing myself, by working hard to prepare for difficult situations before they occur.

And if I am to have any hope of tapping grace in a difficult situation, it must be a part of my DNA before it’s needed. That means being more self-aware and taking steps to do something about stress and overwhelm when I realize I’m careening in that direction.

Because I’ve learned that while I am not good with difficult people and situations if I’m low on grace to begin with, if I practice developing it a few times a week when I’m NOT stressed, a sort of “muscle memory” makes it easier to summon that state when needed.

Creating Grace

When I find myself feeling stressed or overwhelmed, I force myself to take a break. When work is hectic, I shut down my laptop, leave my phone at my desk and step outside. When I worked in an office, that sometimes meant retreating to the restroom to do nothing more than to privately take a few deep breaths.

I also created a physical reminder to calm myself when I need more presence and am unable to escape a situation. In sports psychology, this is called “anchoring.” Using this anchor triggers a more relaxed state and the ability to summon grace if I sense stress rising, if I am going into a challenging situation, or if I am meeting with someone who can be difficult.

Grace in Three Simple Steps

(1) When you are alone and can practice, take 3 slow, deep breaths. This hits your parasympathetic system and creates a physiological relaxation response.

 (2) Create a physical sensation–your  “anchor”– and focus on this at the same time you feel your body relaxing.  (A good anchor no one will notice is pressing your toes into the floor.)

(3) Now notice the feeling of relaxation throughout your body at the same time you feel the physical sensation of your anchor. Neuroscientists like to say, “What fires together, wires together.”

Make sure you are aware of both sensations at the same time. With repetition, your mind will find them inseparable so when one happens (your anchor) so does the other (relaxation),  allowing you that tiny pause you need to invite grace into your situation.

Rinse and Repeat

Repeat this technique someplace where you can practice undisturbed. You are laying down new grooves in your brain and training yourself to respond to stress with relaxation by merely accessing your anchor.

When you are in a relaxed state, your body responds to things differently; your brain can  think differently–it is literally more expansive, more creative, less reactive. It is from this state you can react with grace and compassion, to the highest good of all, and not from a state of stress, led by ego and defensiveness.

Practice. Grow. Be

I suspect our capacity for growth in grace during life’s challenges is nearly infinite. I believe it’s evenly matched by our ability to practice, live, and become those abilities we wish to deepen.

For me, this means when I choose grace, I do it thoughtfully, without resentment or distraction based on why I called it forth. Getting there…ah, yes. That requires ongoing, daily practice.

Building grace to use when needed gifts you a secret power, but demands more than blocking feelings, or an escape; it demands growth. And it is not in the being, it is in the doing that we grow. It is a subtle difference that requires presence and diligence. Becoming is at once the path to, and yardstick of, our growth.

Practicing is growth itself.